The Touch Trepidation
by DrummerGirl66
Summary: Amy wants to know why Sheldon hates being touched; the answer is something she had never expected. Sad, Angst, Feels, etc. Rated M for mentions of violence.


Amy loved Sheldon; that was an undeniable fact that nobody around her could avoid. She dedicated her time and energy to discovering new details and characteristics of him that nobody else cared to explore. She buried herself as deep as she could into his mind so she could understand him. She was an expert in her field at work; she was an expert at certain hobbies such as quilting and harp playing. She wanted to be an expert in Sheldon. She wanted to grasp every detail of him that made him unique. Boy was he unique. There would never be enough words to accurately describe Sheldon Cooper, the beautiful mind that forced you to work for his respect and affection. Maybe that was why Amy was so enamored with him. She did love a challenge, and he was a challenge she refused to give up on. She wanted to crack the exterior of the man she fell in love with and see the inside of him. She wanted to know what made him the way he was. Piece by piece she had begun to crack him many years ago, but there was one thing that always puzzled her.

Something as simple as touching Sheldon's arm would send him into a frenzy that was nearly unstoppable. The lectures, the reprimanding, it was too much to just be considered 'germaphobic'. The way Sheldon looked when he was touched, the way he responded… she never understood it. It was almost like he was stung every time skin made contact with his. He would shiver and leap as far away as he could when was touched by surprise.

He wouldn't always respond that way. If he could prepare himself for the skin to skin contact he would be better. If he wasn't warned beforehand, though, it shook his body like a strong force and sent him into a panic. Amy couldn't help but wonder why.

One night she decided to get answers and she knew it would be a dangerous task. She expected Sheldon would be alarmed by her experiment and she would have to respond accordingly but nonetheless, she needed answers. It was date night and they were back at Amy's apartment after a pleasant meal and she was making him some strawberry quick in the kitchen. He sat on her couch while flipping through the pages of a science journal she had left on her coffee table.

"You know Amy I must say, while biology is nowhere near as important as physics our conversation this evening made me realize that you have some brilliant insights" he said as he skim read a couple of articles she had highlighted. His fingers gently grazed the paper as he turned the pages and Amy watched him in fascination; she had almost forgotten she was stirring his sweet drink. She pulled the spoon out of the cup and dropped it in the sink before grabbing it and taking it to Sheldon. He smiled up at her.

"Thank you, Amy" he said closing the journal. "A perfect way to end a rather enjoyable night" he said before picking up the glass and taking a sip. She gave him a small smile before walking behind the couch so Sheldon couldn't see her. She watched him put the glass down and run his tongue over his lips to savior the sweet taste the glass had left behind. He hadn't noticed her behind him so he reached for her television remote so he could find something to watch. Just as he picked it up, Amy put her hands on his shoulders from behind the couch. Just as she had expected, he jumped quickly and got up from the couch turning to look at her with a startled expression; a fearful expression. His eyes were wide and slightly glossy as he stared at her. His breathing had increased and his chest expanded as he took long, deep breaths trying to calm his body down and his hand was over his heart. A normal reaction may have been a slight shift in movement or even a small jump from an unexpected touch, but nothing this severe. He closed his eyes and whispered

"Amy, don't do that again. Ever."

His breathing was still much too erratic but he managed to take his seat back on the couch and he looked up at Amy and noticed her confused expression.

"Sheldon, I barely touched your shoulders. Even though you weren't expecting it, it's not like I jumped from behind the couch and screamed at you"

Sheldon turned away from her. Whatever she was trying to prove he was not going to validate. His thoughts raced; he needed to change the subject quickly.

"Its fine, you're forgiven. Now let's watch TV" he said grabbing the remote again. Amy took the opportunity to touch him while he could see her. She sat on the couch beside him and placed her hand over his own as he grabbed the remote control. He jumped again and pulled his hand away from hers instinctively. He glanced up at her and raised his eyebrow. He still looked apprehensive.

"What is with your insistence on touching me tonight? You know I don't care for it" he said putting the remote down and scooting away from her. Amy frowned and looked up in his eyes. _Why is this so hard for him? He physically wants to be farther from me now. I don't understand._

"Because Sheldon, I enjoy touching your skin. I love running my fingertips over every vein in your hands. I love feeling your muscles in your arms. I enjoy the broadness of your shoulders. I adore the softness of your lips and the silky feeling of your hair"

Sheldon definitely had not been expecting that detailed of an explanation. He wasn't sure how to respond to it. In a way it was nice hearing those compliments from Amy; his heart swelled at the words that escaped her lips as she gave him that look that was only meant for him. That look of complete adoration mixed with curiosity.

He looked up at Amy and relaxed, which made her relax as well. Her shoulders lost their tension and she let out the breath that she had forgotten she was holding. He let her settle for a moment before speaking.

"Amy, if you want to touch me then just tell me-"

"Why do I need to tell you, Sheldon? Why do you need a warning? Why can't I just feel your skin beneath mine when I want to? Why can't I show you how… amazing you are with a simple caress of the hand when I feel the need?"

Sheldon swallowed and looked down at his feet. Amy knew what this meant. _He's embarrassed of the answer. He doesn't want to tell me. _He shifted in his seat and wrung his hands together nervously and he still refused to look at her.

"Amy… The germs-"

Amy grabbed his jaw with her hand and made him look at her, causing Sheldon to jerk and the fearful expression returned to his face. His breathing increased and she looked him dead in the eyes and whispered

"Don't lie to me"

The eyes that were staring back at her changed; they went from fearful to downright terrified. He knew that she knew he was lying and there was no escaping it this time. Amy had never been so forceful with him. She had always been as gentle as could be as if she was handling a baby kitten when she touched him. This time, however, she knew that being soft would get her nowhere. She didn't like to see him so scared especially when she was soliciting the reaction. He looked like a child who had just been busted for doing something they weren't supposed to; only much worse. He gulped and furrowed his eyebrows as his mind raced for an explanation. She could almost see his brain working; running on overdrive to think of a way to explain his aversion to touch. She stared deep into his blue eyes so he could see she wasn't going to give this up. She was persistent and stubborn and she would dig deep enough to find the answer if he didn't give it to her straight. Sheldon then closed his eyes and began to tell her the truth.

"My father… you remember me telling you how he was"

Amy thought back. Sheldon had a funny way of talking about his dad. He would bring him up at times to quote him for something said in a situation similar to one Sheldon was experiencing. He would complain about how his father made him do what he wanted before Sheldon could do his homework or anything else he preferred. Then there were those times that Sheldon would bring up his drinking; those were never light moments.

"I remember you telling me he would drink a lot-"

"But I never told you what he would do when he was drunk"

Amy stared at him and released her hand from his jaw. She sunk back into the couch and swallowed because she could almost feel what his next words would be. _I don't like where this is going._ She could feel her heart begin to race as she prepared herself for what he was about to say. Sheldon looked up at her and straightened himself; it was time to finally tell somebody.

"My father wasn't usually a bad man… it was only when he became inebriated that his anger and disgust took over and he couldn't refrain from… physically assaulting us"

Amy's eyes widened. _No. This isn't true. Not my Sheldon; nobody would hurt my Sheldon._ She could already feel the tears welling up in her eyes as she scooted closer to him despite the fact that closeness was his enemy at this time. Sheldon took a deep breath and continued.

"When the alcohol took over his brain he became stronger than all of us. It started out small; just a slight push, shove, or shake here and there. But as time went on and he kept drinking, everything just got… _worse_" Sheldon was lost in his own words now. It was almost as though he was reliving the moment right there on the couch; his eyes were gone and his focus was elsewhere. Amy could see the fear return to his eyes as he remembered every mark that his father made on his body.

"If I ever talked back to him, or disagreed with him, or made him look stupid…" he didn't finish his sentence. His eyes welled up with tears just as Amy's had; only his escaped and slipped down his cheek before he could catch them. This wasn't like the normal over exaggerated Sheldon cry. This was silent and heartbreaking. All of the pain he felt was trapped in the little droplets of water rolling down his cheek.

"He would sometimes catch me when I wasn't looking. I'd think I was safe in my room when he would come up behind me and whoop me with that belt of his" A

my wanted so badly to reach up and wipe his tears away. She wanted to wrap him in a hug and kiss every inch of his face. She wanted to hold him and tell him everything would be okay, but she couldn't. That was the problem.

"S-So there you have it, Amy… that is why I can't be normal" Sheldon said as another tear slipped down his cheek. She looked up at him and bit her lip.

"Sheldon…" he cut her off.

"Don't you think I'd like to be comfortable enough to be touched? Do you think I like having a panic attack every time someone pats my back or puts their hand on my leg? I don't lecture you guys because I enjoy it! I only enjoy it when I'm actually teaching you something. When I have to back away and tell you not to touch me it… it…" he paused to take another breath. "It makes me feel helpless"

Amy wanted to scream. How could anybody hurt the sweet innocent man that was sitting in front of her? Imagining a small Sheldon being abused by his father was too much for her heart to bear. She let more tears slip and bit her lip before whispering

"Sheldon… c-can I touch you?..."

He looked up at her with defeated eyes. She could tell by this look that nobody else knew. Not Leonard, not penny, nobody but the people that were involved and now her. His eyes turned red as tears escaped the sides of them and she could see his body shake as he tried to hold back sobs. He eventually nodded and she reached her arms out to him.

This was a response she had never received from Sheldon before. She had never seen him so scared and hurt that he actually lunged to her before; but this was no normal discussion. Sheldon had just admitted to her that the man he called 'dad' abused him to the point that any physical contact scared him half to death. Yet right now, he held onto her as if his life depended on it. He buried his face in her neck and let the sobs shake his body uncontrollably and she wrapped one arm around his waist and brought the other up to his neck to gently stroke it. She felt his hot tears soaking her cardigan and it took every fiber of her being not to begin sobbing herself. She was crying, but she needed to control it so Sheldon could let out all of the pain he had built up inside him from years of abuse and denial.

She held him for a long time. It could have been an hour, several hours, even all night. She still never wanted to let go. Once the sobs calmed and his body relaxed, she ran her fingers through his hair as gently as she could not to startle him. She felt the muscles in his body relieve their tension as he let himself relax completely in her arms. His face was still buried in her neck and she could feel his warm breath grazing her skin as his breathing slowed to a normal state. She held him close and turned to whisper in his ear

"I will _never_ hurt you, Sheldon…and I will never let anybody hurt you ever again"

Sheldon's eyes closed as there were no more tears left to cry. His body felt like it needed to shut down; he needed to put it in sleep mode before everything gave out. He needed to forget about those memories that crept up on him today and made him remember just how helpless he actually was. Now, in Amy's arms he didn't feel threatened. He didn't feel scared. He just felt _safe_… and tired.

It wasn't long before he was asleep in her arms. He was completely at ease and he was wrapped around Amy as tight as he could be. Amy knew she wouldn't let go of him all night; she would hold him for the duration of his slumber and make sure that he knew he was safe with her. She let her eyes wander his body. It was hard to believe such a handsome man could have been just a boy not too long ago… a boy that was broken beyond repair. You would never know it by looking at him; he used his stone cold façade to hide the truth from his friends. It wasn't until the bottom of Sheldon's shirt lifted up slightly in his sleep that she finally saw a glimpse of the truth he had hidden for so long. There, on the pale skin of his back, was a deep mark that would never go away; a scar.


End file.
